merry christmas to you from me.

it is not often, or ever, that i post all about me, and i might be really bad at it, but here goes.  i don't know if i will decorate for Christmas.  Every year people ask each other, "Have you put up your decorations yet?"  Every year when people ask me i say, (if i indeed did not put them up yet) "um, no, and i don't know if i will this year."  you could say i'm far from festive.  i am.  i rarely get into the "spirit" of the holidays. i don't know why and i'm not really looking to find out. i love opening presents with the nieces and nephews cause kids just love gifts and i love being with my family and i like christmas lights at night.  other than that yes, i might and no,  maybe no, decorating for me this year.  and if you've been to my house you will see that some decorations i let up all year long.  this year i think i won't decorate.  i also floss my teeth in the middle of the day instead of at night.

on friday i had a photo shoot that was a maybe schedule (not important)  so i hauled my equipment (camera) with me to work. i wanted to take some pictures of me.  i did not bring my ( i was gonna say ipod, i don't have one) tripod so i knew i'd have to ask someone to help me, or rest it on a rock.  i knew bubba would love to help me but he wasn't at home so i called my sister.  "i want to come over and see your decorations," i said.  And i did want to see that plus a bench she reupholstered.  (She's crafti)  When i got there she was working outside, and saw me coming with my gear.  she said she would be so excited to take pictures of me.  She did a very good job, don't you think?  we had a great time.  plus she fed me.

( a few gifts for myself.  if you haven't shopped tjmax in a while. do it today.  also target, but i know you shop there all the time)

i think the weirdest thing for me this year has been to deal with my security and confidence.  my life had been teaching. i loved it and i was good at it.  i felt very confident in teaching myself, or gaining wisdom from my eldors who shared the same career, to know and have whatever it took, to be there for my students and their families. i focused alot of my time on trying not to think too much about other people, their problems, and how i should be helping.  when that was taken away (such a freeing experience) me, as i had known me, was also gone.  it was exhilarating at first, and still is mostly, but now, all is new.  i'm not confident that i'm good at what i do.  most of the time i feel inadequete ( do not know how to spell that word, but its ok cause i'm no longer a teacher)  like i don't measure up to this new something i have.  the other thing is that i worry about what people will think, ALOT. not about me but about my work.  where did that come from?  i can't remember ever feeling this way.  like i'm trying so hard.  to be so much better. 

this is not whats important.  the conclusion to the whole matter is to be myself.  i used to be really good at it. it came so easy. naturally. now i have to have this conversation with myself first, before it works.  it goes like this:

this will be fun.

o yeah? but what if something goes wrong?

or you've forgotten something?

or you make a ten thousand dollar irreversible mistake?

but i can do this. i like doing this.

really? then why aren't you better at it?

you know there are thousands of people that could do this faster, more efficiently. (and it would look better in the end)

no, this is my thing, and i'm doing it.

then don't come to me if it winds up terrible. 

and on and on....

so the fight to be myself is on.  i remember my big brother telling me this.  don't worry about being like the others..just be yourself.   i wondered why he thought he needed to say this? i didn't think i cared so much. and maybe then i didn't.  so now his words come to mind all the time. be yourself. be yourself. don't worry about being like.. just be yourself.  so i am. and will be. and it is something i would have tried to pound into my teenagers skulls.  yes, MY teenagers.  but now it's time to be pounded into me.  age doesn't take away peer pressure.  you know this.  it makes it harder that we get to peer into each others lives whenever we want too. we can make ourselves feel small in seconds, and it can go on for hours.  be proud of who you are and what your doing, whatever it is.  (this is me talking to me.)  be yourself. if that means looking into other people's lives less so you can focus on your own, then do that. surround yourself with people who make it easy, and fun to be you.  so i promise to go easier on myself.  to love other people and to be kind.  not to be critical, only helpful and open minded.

( you will never ask me to post about me again. i'm fine with that.  )

(me laughing . )                                                     (me laughing in black and white.)

(and, no, i can't tell you whats funny. sorry. ask me later)

i remember getting my photo taken in high school for senior pics.  and in family pics. and in the lots of weddings i've been in.  but pictures of just me almost don't exist.  not that i need them.  i always argue with myself about putting up pictures of yourself around your home. is that not vain? plus, i just grew up a tom boy and things like fashion and pictures of me can draw attention to oneself.  and are girly.. you can see how i am breaking hundreds of barriers in my growing up stage.  so i plan on printing and hanging a few of these around. any suggestions? 

 i love the laughing pictures.  for one large reason. my sister can make me laugh like no one else.  its not jokes. its not trying to be funny. its usually the most boringest, backward stuff that makes us split.  we wheeze and we whine, we can't talk cause we're laughing so hard, and most of all, we try not to pee ourselves in public.   i love my friends who laugh with me as well.  but laughs with Rosa are best.

if you need an  i-can't-put-down-book.  if you have a sister thats sick, been sick, or died from a sickness.  if you even have a sister.  or a brother. or any kind of sibling at all.    it will make you think about your life. about life in so many facets.  it is a secular book.  i'm just saying.  i like the raw story, the real deal. so there you go.  "My Sister's Keeper.  i'm sure lots of you have already read it.  first for me.  also out in a movie.  it is so hard for me to put down. i read for three straight hours this morning. i know!

i have one sister.  she's been very sick.  we have all been afraid, at times, of what it could be or if she would ever get better.  without getting into it. (her life is her's to make public)  i am so grateful for my sister! i love her alot and can't imagine life without her. 

(behing me, the wood i've chopped for winter.  or maybe that was not me)

this year has been huge for me.  my bookkeeping business went full time.  i always have a piece of furniture i'm working on.  and scattered in between are the photo shoots. i can only imagine what the future looks like and i am so excited.

so this is for all of you whom i meet here and there and you say, "i'm watching your site." (esp. those of you who do not have xanga or facebook) This is for everyone who cares to read it. to all the people who have supported me through a huge career switch.  to my friends and family whom i see all the time and never. 

 this is my decorating for christmas this year. 

Elena's photo shoot.

elena's mom is making her a picture book for her birthday which i think is an idea that should win an award of some kind.  (don't tell her its a surprise plus i already did )  kids love to look at books. they loved to be read to. how much love would they get out of a book that someone is reading that is all about them? alot! i love her striped leggings and again with the purple that i now have come to love.  she did the best job ever of posing for pictures and coming up with ideas on her own. we took lots of action shots, shots on the tractor, etc.  she is a beautiful girl that loves life and her family.  she is not shy.  she is scared of cows (me too) and lives on a farm.  she is also not fond of little black dogs hence the next photo.  very very worried and every time the dog would start coming towards her she would make this adorable shriek.. i may have laughed too much. poor thing.

she loves her brother and her brother loves her. i did not tell them to hug like this...

and baby sister. 

so much energy she has.  she is so fun just to be around.  she is going to have lots and lots of friends.

we snapped a few family pics for christmas.

taking baby sister on a wild wagon ride. it was fun for me to take pictures of her in her invironment just letting her do her thing rather than trying to pose her and her siblings all over the place. 

with daddy.

sneak preview...

second guessing is something that comes naturally with creativity or art. i was really thinking about this when i left this shoot last weekend.  i second guess myself for lots of reasons but when i second guess myself after a shoot it is always because i'm thinking.."i was gonna take a shot with this person or that prop or this background and i never got around to it."  i missed my chance.  but not really.  the chance you think of that you may have missed is just an oppurtunity for your (my) creativity to flow stronger?  so here i will tell you of one big chance that i may have missed forever. 

like i said before i am trying to learn to shoot manually more quickly.  this shoot was done all in a manual setting.  it made me realize how far i have to go mostly and helped me to realize how worth it manual can be.   spelling class is also really worth it.  (i'm constantly spelling words wrong, i know)  i loved this truck and the sun settting behind it.  the perfect setting that i did capture.  i'm a truckers daughter so i will always have a thing for trucks.  a pretty big thing actually that i never talk about.  i'm serious.  have you ever ridden in a truck or slept in the sleeper? then you don't know.. it's an experience all it's own.

so serious. this darling child did smile for the camera and she had the most beautiful eyes. i loved how serious she could be.  hey, its not easy being the focus point of a giant camera. both of these shots i did not need to edit. 

i love watching sisters grow up together.  may you always be each other's strongest defender and dearest friend.

this shot is titled, "i want pigtails again."  i love em.  more beautiful blue eyes.

the mom and dad to this beautiful family..again no editing needed. 

and the men and their cowboy hats.  real farm boys.  this family was so much fun and so easy to work with.  i tried to post more but my uploader was not working properly so more later.  which reminds me...the one great shot i did miss. in picture number one to the very right you see a rubber tire and a cow head skeleton. i love cow head skeletons.  "if i owned a ranch.." or " if i was a ranchlady.."  so we were just finishing up. the father son truck shots were my last.. i take em, the children are completely done being photograaphed and i start walking..and as soon as i spot em i am irrated at myself for not noticing. not being aware.  this is a huge part of the farm..the realness of it. and i missed it.  driving home its all i could think and its usually like this so much that i have to convince myself its ok.  no you don't need to go back and take more.. not today. not ever.  you missed it. thats ok.  then when i was going through my pictures i noticed it.  there it was. one cow head skeleton on one picture. not what i had in mind if it were a retake but i will take what i can get...

before and after

after

before

which i know its hard to see the difference on here because of the brownish floor against brownish crib.  this crib was primed and painted in white paint and then stained with a dark brown.  staining is one of the easiest techniques to use in painting  i think.  brush it on, wipe it off, and the parts that you want to appear darker or smudgier you darken or smudge or don't wipe as hard.  the important things about staining that i wish someone would have told me is to make sure you do one surface at a time. that meant for all the spokes to do back of spokes first then front of spokes then side of spokes.  the other thing i can't remember right now so hopefully it wasn't too important.  yikes!

crystal wanted the crib stripped because of the lead in the paint that was there from decades ago. i did a little research to make sure i didn't make the same error.  i thought that lead had been taken out of all paint years ago but i wanted to be sure.  they have not been making paints with lead since 1974. i remember cause i was born that year and my mother kept shouting, NO LEAD IN PAINT! as i was being born.  :)  But the cool thing is that now they make organic or green paints WHiCH you can add scents in them to make them smell yummy. like tropical lime (or something) the next cool thing was that bombergers ( i support my local hardware store as much as possible) had just made the mistake of adding scent to a gallon of organic white paint and the lady did not want scented paint. so i could buy it at half price.  SO. if you are painting something and you want it to be organic and smell nice while your painting (and for a certain amount of years after) i will sell you some for a great price.  i went ahead and used organic ( i have to say organic instead of green cause we are talking about paint and it could get confusing if i say green primer or green paint when i'm using white) primer as well and bought organic stain but it was not looking great so i'll have to return it. i don't know if i bought a bad batch or if its just not a great idea going green with stain.  anywho.. may all painters out there gain something from my ramblings.

I like this crib because its plain and there is much beauty in simpleness.  plus simple things can be decked out and in this case of crib and baby can  have much cushy comfort and fluffy blankets and be so cozy.

these pictures are from wilms house and are her projects.  i was practicing my manual shooting skills and had a layover so i had time to spare.    my goal is to be able to shoot all manual pictures some day without the help of a light meter.  i'm having fun learning. 

HAVE A GREAT WEEK EVERYONE!